пятница, 21 сентября 2012 г.

BEYOND THE BELTWAY 1992; And You Thought Things Were Strange - The Washington Post

You say you memorized all the presidential debates and tapedCNN's entire coverage of Bosnia and personally know every one ofBill Clinton's Cabinet choices as well as what was really in hispassport file? And you sleep with a Walkman tuned to NPR, call CokieRoberts for congressional updates, yet still have the feeling thatsomething else happened in the world in 1992?

It did. The news wires told us so. Read on.

California (I)

LOS ANGELES - A Beverly Hills thief went on a two-dayrobbery spree, traveling from store to store by chauffeuredlimousine.

The driver of the white stretch limo told police that hispassenger had been acting strangely, directing the car to fast-foodoutlets, a hobby shop, a grocery store and a coin store. Policefound at least $26,000 in coins and jewelry in the limousine.

California (II)

LOS ANGELES - A 19-year-old man was sentenced to spend ayear in a prison psychiatric unit after pleading no contest tosetting fire to hair salons where he thought he had gotten badhaircuts.

Neo-California

TACOMA, Wash. - The ex-husband of a new age 'channeler' chargedthat his former wife coerced him into accepting an inadequatedivorce settlement by threatening to cut off his access to the35,000-year-old Atlantis warrior named 'Ramtha' for whom she claimsto speak.

Cows of the Universe (I)

KANSAS CITY, Mo. - Police on the outskirts of Kansas City, wherecattle rustling is still a hanging offense, have been puzzling overa string of what appear to be drive-by cow shootings.

'It's really not that easy to investigate,' said Clay CountyDetective Sgt. Ron Nicola. 'The remaining cows make poorwitnesses.'

Stand-Up Guy

GRAND JUNCTION, Colo. - Cowboy Jimmy Dale Struble, restless ina wheelchair for the last six years of his life, was finally buriedthe way he wanted: standing up, with his boots on.

Paralyzed from the neck down in 1986 during a fight withanother cowboy over who was the better roper, Struble 'hated lyingflat on his butt, and didn't want to be buried that way,' said GlennYounger, one of Struble's friends.

In a funeral procession tailored to Struble's last requests,mourners followed his saddle-draped casket as it was hauled to thegraveyard in a pickup truck. Struble's friends then lowered hiscasket, feet first, into the ground with their lariats.

Breath of Learning

OSLO - A 39-year-old Norwegian astrophysics student who livesin a cave and wears torn and dirty clothes was banned from takingexams because he smells so bad that he disturbs other students. Hesued and a court sided with the university.

Annals of Probate

LOS ANGELES - A judge ruled that a man could not will hisfrozen sperm to his girlfriend.

Women on Top

BOSTON - A new study estimates that as many as 15 percent ofall cases of sexual impotence are caused by injury duringintercourse, and its chief author is recommending that men practicewhat he calls 'defensive' sex.

'Men think their erections are made of concrete,' said IrwinGoldstein, a urologist at Boston University Medical Center. Whenthey learn what women can do to them, particularly in the superiorposition, they 'are often quite surprised,' he said.

Animal Rights (I)

WELLINGTON, New Zealand - A man was charged with intentionallyblowing up three parakeets with firecrackers during a burglary.

Animal Rights (II)

DENVER - Police are investigating what may be the ritualistickilling of an Australian black swan at the Denver Zoo, a year to theday after a similar attack on another swan, zoo officials said.

Animal Rights (III)

KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia - A huge orangutan grabbed a startledFrench tourist in a Borneo park, pulled off his pants, shirt andunderwear and fled to the woods with the clothes, leaving thetourist naked.

The Economy, Stupid

TOKYO - The price for fugu, a costly and potentially deadlyblowfish prized by Japanese gourmets, dropped 30 percent this yearto $105 a pound. The fish's liver and ovaries, which turn you numband then kill you, are cheaper.

Cosmetic Religion

AMSTERDAM - Pairs of Christian missionaries have startedvisiting some of Amsterdam's estimated 8,000 prostitutes in theircanal-side windows. One trims and paints the woman's nails while theother talks about faith and says a prayer.

Annals of Sport (I)

STARKVILLE, Miss. - Mississippi State's football coach alloweda bull to be castrated in front of his team before a victory overthe Texas Longhorns. He described it as an educational andmotivational experience.

Annals of Sport (II)

LONDON - Female fans of a British rugby team were encouraged tohelp raise money by bidding on a chance to take a shower with theirfavorite players. And bring a friend.

'We hope the girls will come in their thousands to outbid eachother and spend some time with the finest men in the north ofEngland,' said John Mallinson, secretary for the Furness Rugby UnionClub.

Breath of Crime

MANILA - Philippine security forces arrested nine Indonesianseamen and seized their ship after they allegedly tried to smuggle100 tons of garlic into the country.

Cows of the Universe (II)

HARFSEN, Netherlands - Sunny Boy, a 7-year-old, 2,640-poundFrisian bull, produced his millionth dose of semen, a feat widelybelieved unequaled in cattle breeding.

No one knows exactly how many calves he has sired in the 10countries to which his sperm has been shipped, but they shouldnumber more than half a million, said Ronald van Giessen, head ofthe KI Oost cattle-breeding cooperative in this northern Dutchvillage. 'Sunny Boy's a phenomenon.'

He said Sunny Boy's semen is widely sought because hisoffspring produce 15 percent more milk than the average cow.

Frog Kick

LONDON - A substance in frog sweat has been found useful intreating human depression.

Anthropologists taking part in rituals using the drug havereported feeling 'godlike' after the experience.

Masculinity (I)

STUART, Fla. - A man accused of exposing himself to a womanfor years was sentenced to 10 months in jail after the victim caughthim in the act with a video camera.

Betty Napier said the man had been peering in her window andexposing himself daily for five years. She called police 30 timesbut was told police didn't have the manpower to do surveillance. OnMarch 20, she wrapped a video camera inside a T-shirt and set it ina laundry room outside her condominium. The camera caught himoutside her kitchen window masturbating.

'He was so predictable,' she said.

Forward With Technology

TOKYO - A Japanese rancher is herding his cattle by callingthem in with collar beepers.

Masculinity (II)

TORRINGTON, Conn. - Two men who were denied drinks at a tavernbecause they missed last call returned a few minutes later and cutthe bar in half with chain saws.

Multiculturalism (I)

PITTSBURG, Calif. - A self-proclaimed witch has come out ofthe broom closet, demanding that a school district ban the fairytale 'Hansel and Gretel' because she says it encourages the killingof witches.

Mourning Mom

NAPLES - A man who kept cocaine in his mother's tomb wasarrested by drug agents posing as cemetery workers, police said.

Annals of Litigation

TAMPA - A lawyer for a Florida man convicted of car theftdemanded a mistrial because a judge refused to allow a woman juroraccess to a tampon during the panel's deliberations.

The Economy, Stupid (II)

SAN ANTONIO - An upset bank customer was arrested after hestripped off his clothes and quacked like a duck when his loanapplication was denied.

Multiculturalism (II)

SAN FRANCISCO - A neighborhood library provided free meetingspace for two years to the North American Man-Boy Love Association,an organization of pedophiles who say they are oppressed by lawsbanning the seduction of children.

Excuses, Excuses

UNION SPRINGS, Ala. - A 20-year-old man was charged with sexualmolestation of two corpses at a funeral home, where a message lefton a bulletin board read: 'The devil made me do it.'

No Fun Allowed

SYRACUSE, N.Y. - A young mother was charged with sexual abuseand jailed by county authorities after asking innocently if it wasnormal to experience arousal while nursing her child.

Sibling Rivalry

DENVER - An 11-year-old girl left to baby-sit her 3-week-oldsister bit off two of the infant's toes and part of her ear.

Nature Abhors a Vacuum

CORTEZ, Colo. - A Colorado entrepreneur who says the idea cameto him in a dream, has invented a machine that vacuums prairie dogsfrom their burrows and deposits them unharmed 'but somewhatconfused' in a truck for relocation. His business, Dog-Gone, isbooming.

Magic Kingdom

DENVER - The mother of a 20-month-old daughter, charged withassault on a flight attendant, explained she was stressed out from afamily vacation to Disney World.

Forward With Science

AMES, Iowa - Scientists at Iowa State University are working ona way to make plates and utensils out of corn starch plastic and soyprotein.

'Our ultimate goal is that your picnic plate will become yourdessert,' said Jay-lin Jane, a professor of food science and humannutrition.

Onward With Agriculture

LONDON - A giant potato weighing in at 30 pounds, nearly 23pounds above the previous world's record, was flown here from itsnative Saudi Arabia to be registered with the National VegetableSociety.

Scent of a Woman

LONDON - A French inventor has come up with a $150 dog collarthat quiets dogs by emitting a spray of perfume whenever they startbarking. About 40,000 French dog owners have purchased the device,which so confuses the dog with scent that it stops yapping.

Better in '93?

DELAND, Fla. - A lesbian prostitute who says she's a 'goodgirl' at heart confessed to killing seven middle-aged men,explaining, 'You know what? I just had a real bad year.'

Scout's Honor

SANDUSKY, Ohio - A police officer has been charged with stealingat least $300 in Girl Scout cookies he was supposed to distribute.

Be True to Your School

BOGOTA, Colombia - Police said security guards at a universityin Barranquilla lured street people into campus buildings, killedthem and sold the bodies to the university's medical school.

Where's Ronald?

MONTREAL - McDonald's filed a court suit seeking to block thesale of a contraceptive named McCondoms.

Annals of Sport (III)

GRENOBLE, France - A French court effectively annulled anInterior Ministry prohibition against dwarf-throwing, after25-year-old Manuel Wackenheim claimed it unconstitutionally deprivedhim of his livelihood.

Wackenheim, who performs with a helmet and padded clothing,returned to being tossed in a discotheque near this French Alpinecity.

Family Values (I)

TOLEDO - An 82-year-old man strangled his wife because shewouldn't turn down the volume on the television set, then coveredher with an afghan and went to bed.

Family Values (II)

LONDON - A woman tired of abuse from her bullying husband, beathim to death with a rolling pin, buried him in the garden and toldneighbors he'd gone to work in Saudi Arabia.

Family Values (III)

NEW ORLEANS - A woman shot and killed her teenage son over hisrefusal to clean his room.

Family Values (IV)

MILWAUKEE - A 300-pound woman fatally crushed her husband aftersitting on him during a family argument.

Park Place

DOYLESTOWN, Pa. - A 25-year-old man pleaded guilty to criminalhomicide for shooting a friend in the chest with an arrow after anargument over Monopoly rules.

Legal Brief

ST. AUGUSTINE, Fla. - A Florida county seeking to ban skimpybikinis drafted an ordinance containing a 136-word legal definitionof 'buttocks.'

Dutch Treat

DEURNE, Netherlands - Dutch police arrested six people forfraudulent dealings in pig dung.

Annals of Equity

HOUSTON - The lawyer for a 4-foot-6 man on trial for murdercharged that his client could not get a fair trial because therewere no short people on the jury.

Annals of Art

CINCINNATI - A surgeons' group was asked to investigatecomplaints that the chief surgeon at a Shriner's hospital drew'happy faces' on patients' sex organs during surgery.

Fat Bitch

BOCA RATON, Fla. - A residential association filed suit againsta homeowner charging that her 30-pound mixed-breed dog was too fatto meet neighborhood guidelines.

How About Pizza?

RACINE, Wis. - Mayor N. Owen Davies ordered a city clinic tocancel an order for 1,000 mint-flavored condoms after news of thepurchase 'hit the rock stations in Chicago' and created an uproar.

I'll Take Romance

MILWAUKEE - A man was accused of slashing his girlfriend witha broken beer bottle and trying to suck her blood after watching avampire movie.